The Joy of First Payslip and The True Joy of not Expecting it Anymore

The joy of receiving my first ever payslip on my first ever job was exciting, unspeakable, and seemed that this is what I had been missing out to have a fantastic life. I felt as if I had found my true resting place, that is in the joy of making money as I credulously believe that a person that is able to generate income is a person that is safe and finally could control almost everything in life.

Nevertheless, as I receive more salary, in spite of handling more money than I have ever had before, I feel poorer. Sadly, what was initially intended to be a reason for gratefulness has became the fuel of wastefulness. My soul becomes poorer as I could only see what I am lacking of instead of giving thanks. The salary which is a blessing package from the Divine Maker turned out to be a thing which I was greatly discontent and annoyed about. At first, I really appreciated the sum of remuneration, however, months after months my soul become less and less prosperous as I relied more and more to the mammon. Then, my heart and my mind begins to calculate that all the securities that I want in life would not be able to be met by my current income. I even thought ludicrously, where even I am not yet married, I worried that I won’t be able to send my son into Stanford! The truth where I misread my payslip, until my friend made it clear to me that my perception on the amount of my salary is before tax, my heart was even sinked deeper like falling from a cliff and landed on a cactus. It chips away my faith, and in turn, my health and well-being as I long not for salvation for my heart, but for the way to become the next best entrepreneur under 30. Ambition is good, not until it consumes every veins of your life.

Distrust in the Lord is the beginning of downward spiral of spiritual malady. I started to hang upon the money instead of God as I feel I provide for my needs by myself, a first few steps to be a macho breadwinner for future family.The saying of 3 John chapter 1, where Apostle John prayed that we might be prosper in all things and health, just as our souls propers. The world has been researching and innovating for the next medical breakthrough to uncover the latest medicine, only to produce another partial effectiveness with another side-effects. When I was looking for supplement for my Gastritis, I could only find a string of chemical molecules that could treat the excessive acid in my digestive, only at the expense of addiction, dizziness, constipation, headache and so on. I reached to the point where I was obsessed with health, and instead of aid my condition, it only worsen the stress itself. My attempts to salvage myself failed.

A merry heart makes a long life.

A plethora of new methods of improving healths have been sprung up everywhere. Ranging from yoga, pilate, to laugh therapy. One expert expertly wrote that laughter and love both hand-in-hand promotes chemical reactions that are beneficial to our body. However, it is not about drinking all the night, be merry and drunk as tomorrow-you-might-die philosophy neither. We may extravagantly spend, drink and be reckless about our way of life, and yet still not able to grasp the true joy at our heart. Let’s see what the wisest man ever lived has to offer:

“A merry heart does good, like medicine, But a broken spirit dries the bones.”

I suppose Solomon was called the wise not for no any apparent reason, as he was pointing out such a priceless advice in brevity. In addition to that, he also addressed, our state of heart where all issues in life manifest from it through this verse:

“A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones.”

That sentence propose two prominent points, that is about a heart that filled with love, and, well…. a heart that is lacking in love. As a human being, we are created in image of the creator itself, containing the DNA of God, who is love. Hence, we are severely in need of love, just like a thirsty deer pants for a drips of fresh water from a pristine river. Drink enough of it, we will be satisfied and in all content and gratefulness, praising the One who quenches our thirst. In contrast, lacking knowledge on what is the one thing that our heart desperately needs may lead into lost-fulness and constantly comparing on what we do not have to what other’s have already had. Envy as the lack of love is pretty severe as it block our ability to appreciate our already-abundant gifts.

Apostle Paul fatherly admonished in eye-opening question on what is that we have already possessed that is not given? Alas, we still crave for more material blessings, so that we could generate more love and adulation to our thirsty heart. An article on Time magazine website was really eye-popping when I read it, as it hinted a cue where my craving for more money to buy more stuffs might be well-rooted on my hungry heart for love and admiration from others. Worse, this heart that simply longs for love, covers itself with a honorable ambition to build an empire that using the name for community well-being as an excuse. I professed that philanthropy is my goal, where I could only see my personal satisfaction and gains at the end, expecting high social status and attribute as my lifelong goal. Thus, this lead to a pulitzer-winning question, how to feed this heart that, borrowing Jeremiah term, deceitful above all else with ever-fulfilling love?

The question might well-paraphrased into, on which source I should run to? The choice is ours whether we choose Jesus, who lived a self-sacrificing life for us, or we choose the lessen things that always promise but never bring real love that we are all missing about. For me, I choose to let go of the so called exciting (by scheduling this post on my payday), but indeed the others so boring stuffs (yes, you my payslips!), and pray for the real deal, the magnificence of Christ, so let His cross be may only crown.

“Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.”

Jesus

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