The fruits of something rooted in my heart have apparently became clearer and clearer. Yes, as the title suggests, unbelief has taken its toll in my life. It robs my peace, joy, and let alone my hope. Every simple or trivial matters in life became seemingly bigger than their actual size due to doubtfulness. I doubted everything, ranging from my future or even at present state, on whether I could manage myself and what I might become in few years time. I tried to manage my social media accounts regularly, actively looking for killer business articles that could boost my reputation via a simple button, Tweet. Not only that, I was also tried to be God over my health, meticulously planning what kind of nutrients and supplements that I should take to build a supreme health regime. These seemingly noble behaviours need to be carefully examined in retrospect.
What might look good and acceptable in front of naked eyes might have its root on the contrary of what is supposed to be. Above all, what matters is not the good actions or deeds, but whether those praiseworthy manoeuvres are having their roots on heartfelt gratitude. If all the good habits that I have tried to build are based on my intentions to be great by myself, at certain point, I will be stressed and worn out. Like the Pharisee, no matter how hard they tried to be seen as impeccable in front of public, their irritability and petulance were eventually sprang up. All of their public displays were stemmed on their pride to deserve God’s favour.
My willingness to live a healthy life has turned into self-obsessed health freak. I would like to eat salmon with all of its natural nutrients, therefore I cooked it quickly to avoid its rich omega-3 and all other good minerals gone away. However, after I ate it, I felt like I would like to conduct more research on whether consuming salmon on this way is aceptable. My initial decision to live healthy has transformed into an act of self-preserving, which in turn, neglect and deny God. It was as if God was out of equation when talking about my health and condition. Having realised on how I have gone astray, I was shocked and quickly grab the guitar to play few worship songs. I deemed it as necessary as I need to be reminded on how faithful God has always been and He would never leave me alone.
Truly, truly, unbelief is very venomous thing. It corrupts our faith and hope in God alone, and having said that, it shifts the focus and our assurance in God’s graciousness alone, into our capability and power to protect ourself. Jesus used sheep as a parable to illustrate how our real condition is like, and as a sheep, I need a shepherd. A sheep cannot protect nor provide for itself, unlike goat, which has horns to fight and demonstrate its pride toward one another. Sheep is meek and tender, and always reliant on God’s abundant provision, whether it is food, drink, or nourishment for health. I am thankful to be reminded how self-centered I am, and I hope that His grace will always lead me into His path of promise.