Recently, my soul has been in deep anguish caused by, most common form of enslavement, munnies. It is all started when I offered a job at Telecom company, which I had to make decision to cancel my current enrolment with my university. However, instead of it becomes a blessing, I made it as if it were the source of problem. Deep anxiety and fear shrouded over me, all because of the enrolment fee that I have paid to the Uni is at risk for not being refunded. The fact that this issue becomes a major problem for me reveals how much I placed my money as my god and saviour, as in the source of my security. This series of events have made me to ponder, whether there is any actual difference between me as a believer or a person that have not known God at all.
It is so ironic considering that I have just passed a week in commemorating my Good Friday and Easter Sunday, and now I am in deep grief thinking about the possibility that I might lose the money. Well, even the money itself is not my own money, it was the fees that my parents paid for my school tuition, which later they decided to put on my bank account if its turned out to be refunded. It comes to my realisation that it is not about where the money comes from. I feel that I am entitled to it, and its all that matters.
Can I say that Jesus is Lord over my life? I think I should not be able to say that as calling Jesus as Lord means that I entrusted all of my life to Him. Nevertheless, is by losing that money I would die? No. It might be painful to watch the money sunk in my uni’s bank account, who knows that might be used for building a new campus or else. But, I would simply not die because I lose all of my money. Therefore, I could say that my faith has been eclipsed by my greed. It is true that Jesus says to not letting worry and fear to captivate us and choke all the Word of God that has been planted of us. I experience it by myself that anxiety and fear are lethal combination that would make any sheep panic and, possibly, do unnecessary suicide.
Jesus says that sheep knows his shepherd’s voice as if it is a natural occurrence. Departing from Jesus’ own words, we must believe that Jesus still speak and we are still able to hear His voice and guidance inside us. This is very crucial as the means, if not the only one, to prevent all of us as His sheep to go astray. Prophet Isaiah wrote in Isaiah 48:16 that God always instructs us whereabouts we should go, teaching the ways for us to profit. More often than not, we are often clueless when faced with intersections or unfamiliar situations. Some might utilise beers, drugs, smoke and sex to erase the pain of some bad decisions, the others might not be able to escape from deep sorrow. Naturally, everybody wants to escape bad decisions, and ultimately regret. However, if a person like me, which have been in this position of grief and regret to not do my enrolment cancellation properly, what can I do? I do not want to say to surrender to God only at this point, but, isn’t it much better if we as the sheep trust Him for every single moment in our life like King David, who queried God every single time before he went to a war?
I have been thinking that all anxieties and worries are the resultants from wavering or doubtful hearts. How can my heart at doubt where I have always been hearing the sermons regularly? Well, I suppose it is caused by misconceptions about the truth and grace. Jesus is the perfect balance of grace and truth. It is the optimization of harmony between them, where as Randy Alcorn says in his book, grace without truth is not grace and truth without grace is not a truth at all. I believe that’s true and in my view, grace is the manifestation of pure love from God, where God as the wronged party bears all the pain and suffering caused by His child foolishness for the sake of saving them to enjoy what the mankind needed most, that is God Himself. Therefore, the truth that we preach should have its fulcrum at the grace, and the grace that we receive should foster us to love the truth more. Had we embrace both of sides of the character of God, our faith should have been firmer by absorbing the more nature of the true God.